Feedback for a Segment of my Story

One of my greatest goals as a writer is to properly recreate the modern generation’s conscious thoughts onto paper. Being that my thoughts are my only source of knowledge, I’m unsure how far I’ve come in successfully doing this. Professors have told me I have a voice that very much recreates the youth. Friends have told me they can relate to my work. However, no one has told me I’ve captured the modern generation’s stream of consciousness.

It’s already been scientifically proven that today’s teens think at quicker rates due to the rise in technology. This means our heads must think differently than that of our parents. I want to find the words for these quicker rates and apply them to my work. I have an example from a story I am currently writing.

To give a brief backstory, Blake Kennedy (the narrator) has just decided to leave New York City in order to pursue his California dreams. His parents are very wealthy and have spoiled him his whole life. Blake’s parents have already told him they refuse to give him any support if he goes all the way to California. They’re fairly protective and like to keep an eye out. Blake is persistent, yet, afraid to live without monetary safety. He knows of a safe in his parent’s closet containing lots of cash. This segment is him stealing the money.

I look up this internet video on my phone for instructions on how to properly do this. Unfortunately, I can never actually imitate these things. The guy in the video always makes it look so easy. My first attempt ends up an anxious bust. I went in too quickly. Certain I had a chance at naturally being as talented as this guy. It was worth a shot.

The second time, I go in slower. Making sure my alignments are correctly fitted. I pause the video. I look closely at this man’s holding stance. Again, it’s a bust. But this time I realize something. This isn’t actually a tutorial video. It’s a public awareness video on how easy it can be to break into a safe. From the looks of it, they’re just shoving the crowbars in there and going at it. I didn’t want to leave a mess, but it doesn’t really matter to me.

I get Gregory to help me pound the crowbar into the safe door. Then we take turns trying to rip it off. It worked well until a couple of locks came in our way. I check the video again and notice that he jams the crowbar in on both sides of the lock. Mimicking the strategy, we get it opens and reveals my two prizes. Two hundred thousand in cash and a Smith and Wesson Revolver.

The reason I am posting this is because I want public feedback on how it reads. As mentioned, my goal is to replicate the stream of consciousness of a teenager (Blake is 18-years-old) in our modern generation. However, if you think this doesn’t replicate it well, I’d still like to know how it reads as a novel.

As a screenwriter, I’m just experimenting with literature. I read it every day, but it wasn’t until recently that I had decided to take a shot at it.

Any criticism and/or feedback is welcome.

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